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  • I want to move, wife does not.

    Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

    I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

    My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

    Thanks in advance to those who reply.

  • #2
    I once wanted to move and my finance did not. So we compromised. I moved on ahead with the understanding that she would stay a bit longer and follow later. Instead she went whoring it up around town. We don't speak now.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Spike View Post
      I once wanted to move and my finance did not. So we compromised. I moved on ahead with the understanding that she would stay a bit longer and follow later. Instead she went whoring it up around town. We don't speak now.
      But do you still have sex?

      Just kidding, a similar thing once happened to me too.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by S.S. Minnow View Post
        Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

        I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

        My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

        Thanks in advance to those who reply.
        Personally I see no upside in moving under these conditions. At a lateral salary move, you'd be in the hole with out of pocket expenses. The only way I'd do it is if I felt there was a good chance I would lose my jobs in the coming months.

        I've changed jobs many times in the past 30+ years in the biz. When it was of my own volition, I never left a job unless I had at least a 25% salary bump. And moving expenses covered.

        And yes, I turned down a job once because of my (then) wife thinking she couldn't get a new job at a comparable rate of pay. Doing the economic math, the salary bump wouldn't cover it.

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        • #5
          Lots of moves over the years, but fortunately Sherry always had the attitude of "Let's go where the money is." After living in Wisconsin, Kansas, Tennessee, New York, Michigan, and Minnesota (not mentioning other states I lived in before getting married) we found we never disliked a place where we lived.

          The finances always seem to take a hit when you move, even if you get a nice bump in pay. There are always unexpected expenses.

          Sherry has never had a problem finding work, but she was in the medical field so there were always opportunities in each place.

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          • #6
            Who makes more now, you or your wife? You already said your income wouldn't change ... what about hers? Can she start a new job without a loss of income in the new city?

            Taking her away from her established routine, her friends, her comfort zone with no measureable increase in the potential for improved quality of life simply because you're tired of the small town is undoubtedly a hard sell ... for good reason.

            Shooting from the hip with only the few facts you provided (are their children in your marriage?) ... you're dealing from a very weak position. Ergo, I'm with your wife. Sorry.

            You can't keep a good man down. You'll find another job if you want one.

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            • #7
              I've always thought this lline from "The Wizard of Oz" has a lot of merit to it and certainly applies to your situation ...

              "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Another side View Post
                Who makes more now, you or your wife? You already said your income wouldn't change ... what about hers? Can she start a new job without a loss of income in the new city?

                Taking her away from her established routine, her friends, her comfort zone with no measureable increase in the potential for improved quality of life simply because you're tired of the small town is undoubtedly a hard sell ... for good reason.

                Shooting from the hip with only the few facts you provided (are their children in your marriage?) ... you're dealing from a very weak position. Ergo, I'm with your wife. Sorry.

                You can't keep a good man down. You'll find another job if you want one.
                I make more money.

                She could have gotten a job in the new city....one that likely would pay much, much more than she makes now.

                No children.

                I've already turned down the job offer, but honestly, it's probably for the best. My wife's a pretty smart cookie, and I think she knows what's best for us. But of course I can't tell her that until after a day or two of the silent treatment.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Mom View Post
                  I've always thought this lline from "The Wizard of Oz" has a lot of merit to it and certainly applies to your situation ...

                  "If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
                  A cousin of mine once had a picture on her living room wall that said this, and I'm paraphrasing: "A man travels the world looking for happiness, then returns home to find it." I like that.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by S.S. Minnow View Post
                    I've already turned down the job offer, but honestly, it's probably for the best. My wife's a pretty smart cookie, and I think she knows what's best for us. But of course I can't tell her that until after a day or two of the silent treatment.
                    Sounds like you did the right thing, for much of the reasons that AS stated above.

                    And after the silent treatment, you should have a few months of built-in relationship-argument capital to spend ... just don't overdo it.
                    If you're too lazy to lift a kitchen table to chop his leg nuts, you can also include in your diet any unsalted fish such as trout.

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                    • #11
                      You know, there was a time when I considered my career in journalism to be more important than my personal relationships and home life.

                      That still cracks me up.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Clever Login Name View Post
                        Sounds like you did the right thing, for much of the reasons that AS stated above.

                        And after the silent treatment, you should have a few months of built-in relationship-argument capital to spend ... just don't overdo it.
                        Yeah, I just can't figure out why, if I did the right thing, turning down the job felt so wrong. And I'm still not over it. Oh well, what's done is done. Thanks to you and everyone for your input.

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                        • #13
                          I suppose we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do. When I was young, I was working in Green Bay and turned down a job in Milwaukee. For a while I wondered where that might have led. You will get over feeling that way before too long.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by S.S. Minnow View Post
                            Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

                            I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

                            My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

                            Thanks in advance to those who reply.
                            Glad things worked out for you. But, this is a common issue that comes up. This topic, in far greater depth, is one for others webcites and I won’t get into that chatter too deeply here. While there is no ‘correct answer,’ it is a choice which should be made with the upmost candor.

                            Touching into the social commentary, as a guy, I can tell you if you are under 45, women of this generation are generally less likely to follow your career than earlier generations would have. Whether that’s good/bad or indifferent (please see other message boards for that discussion). Interestingly enough, I know of plenty female anchors, single and under 35 who bring boyfriends with them to new places only for the relationship to fail. Drives home the point, your career, and all that comes with it, should be discussed with anyone you are serious. I know men who have divorced women who refused to move and they were not unhappy with their choice. Again, a candid choice and candid discussion is what is called for.

                            What is often said is, ‘Jobs come and go, Family is forever.’ While I agree with it in spirit, in reality divorce isn’t as uncommon as we’d like. Jobs come and go, marriages fail, sun rises in the East and sets in the West. It is often said, ‘...nobody says on their deathbed they wished they spent more time at the office.’ True. But many play the second guessing of crossroads in careers saying things like, ‘...I could have been/could have gone to...’ and so on. The great job you were offered and turned down five/ten or twenty years ago may make an interesting (or tired) cocktail conversation note, but it wasn’t a lifetime standing offer, time marched on and you made your choice. Life is all about choices.

                            Again, to the OP, good for you, it appears you are happy with your choice and that is the BEST choice. Good for you !
                            Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.

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                            • #15
                              In my experience, once a job offer comes in, my mind kicks into a higher gear of imagining myself there. The mental "trying on" starts when you first hear about a job in a new place and builds as you go through interviews. It doesn't just screech to a halt when you decline the opportunity but it has a pretty short half-life.

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