Old Apr 18th 2012, 07:29 AM   #1
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Default I want to move, wife does not.

Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

Thanks in advance to those who reply.
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Old Apr 18th 2012, 09:09 AM   #2
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I once wanted to move and my finance did not. So we compromised. I moved on ahead with the understanding that she would stay a bit longer and follow later. Instead she went whoring it up around town. We don't speak now.
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Old Apr 18th 2012, 09:27 AM   #3
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I once wanted to move and my finance did not. So we compromised. I moved on ahead with the understanding that she would stay a bit longer and follow later. Instead she went whoring it up around town. We don't speak now.
But do you still have sex?

Just kidding, a similar thing once happened to me too.
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Old Apr 18th 2012, 11:52 AM   #4
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Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

Thanks in advance to those who reply.
Personally I see no upside in moving under these conditions. At a lateral salary move, you'd be in the hole with out of pocket expenses. The only way I'd do it is if I felt there was a good chance I would lose my jobs in the coming months.

I've changed jobs many times in the past 30+ years in the biz. When it was of my own volition, I never left a job unless I had at least a 25% salary bump. And moving expenses covered.

And yes, I turned down a job once because of my (then) wife thinking she couldn't get a new job at a comparable rate of pay. Doing the economic math, the salary bump wouldn't cover it.
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Old Apr 18th 2012, 12:56 PM   #5
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Lots of moves over the years, but fortunately Sherry always had the attitude of "Let's go where the money is." After living in Wisconsin, Kansas, Tennessee, New York, Michigan, and Minnesota (not mentioning other states I lived in before getting married) we found we never disliked a place where we lived.

The finances always seem to take a hit when you move, even if you get a nice bump in pay. There are always unexpected expenses.

Sherry has never had a problem finding work, but she was in the medical field so there were always opportunities in each place.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 01:15 AM   #6
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Who makes more now, you or your wife? You already said your income wouldn't change ... what about hers? Can she start a new job without a loss of income in the new city?

Taking her away from her established routine, her friends, her comfort zone with no measureable increase in the potential for improved quality of life simply because you're tired of the small town is undoubtedly a hard sell ... for good reason.

Shooting from the hip with only the few facts you provided (are their children in your marriage?) ... you're dealing from a very weak position. Ergo, I'm with your wife. Sorry.

You can't keep a good man down. You'll find another job if you want one.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 03:17 AM   #7
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I've always thought this lline from "The Wizard of Oz" has a lot of merit to it and certainly applies to your situation ...

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 09:57 AM   #8
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Who makes more now, you or your wife? You already said your income wouldn't change ... what about hers? Can she start a new job without a loss of income in the new city?

Taking her away from her established routine, her friends, her comfort zone with no measureable increase in the potential for improved quality of life simply because you're tired of the small town is undoubtedly a hard sell ... for good reason.

Shooting from the hip with only the few facts you provided (are their children in your marriage?) ... you're dealing from a very weak position. Ergo, I'm with your wife. Sorry.

You can't keep a good man down. You'll find another job if you want one.
I make more money.

She could have gotten a job in the new city....one that likely would pay much, much more than she makes now.

No children.

I've already turned down the job offer, but honestly, it's probably for the best. My wife's a pretty smart cookie, and I think she knows what's best for us. But of course I can't tell her that until after a day or two of the silent treatment.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 09:59 AM   #9
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I've always thought this lline from "The Wizard of Oz" has a lot of merit to it and certainly applies to your situation ...

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."
A cousin of mine once had a picture on her living room wall that said this, and I'm paraphrasing: "A man travels the world looking for happiness, then returns home to find it." I like that.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 11:33 AM   #10
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I've already turned down the job offer, but honestly, it's probably for the best. My wife's a pretty smart cookie, and I think she knows what's best for us. But of course I can't tell her that until after a day or two of the silent treatment.
Sounds like you did the right thing, for much of the reasons that AS stated above.

And after the silent treatment, you should have a few months of built-in relationship-argument capital to spend ... just don't overdo it.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 12:25 PM   #11
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You know, there was a time when I considered my career in journalism to be more important than my personal relationships and home life.

That still cracks me up.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 03:18 PM   #12
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Sounds like you did the right thing, for much of the reasons that AS stated above.

And after the silent treatment, you should have a few months of built-in relationship-argument capital to spend ... just don't overdo it.
Yeah, I just can't figure out why, if I did the right thing, turning down the job felt so wrong. And I'm still not over it. Oh well, what's done is done. Thanks to you and everyone for your input.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 06:09 PM   #13
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I suppose we regret the things we don't do more than the things we do. When I was young, I was working in Green Bay and turned down a job in Milwaukee. For a while I wondered where that might have led. You will get over feeling that way before too long.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 08:30 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by S.S. Minnow View Post
Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

Thanks in advance to those who reply.
Glad things worked out for you. But, this is a common issue that comes up. This topic, in far greater depth, is one for others webcites and I won’t get into that chatter too deeply here. While there is no ‘correct answer,’ it is a choice which should be made with the upmost candor.

Touching into the social commentary, as a guy, I can tell you if you are under 45, women of this generation are generally less likely to follow your career than earlier generations would have. Whether that’s good/bad or indifferent (please see other message boards for that discussion). Interestingly enough, I know of plenty female anchors, single and under 35 who bring boyfriends with them to new places only for the relationship to fail. Drives home the point, your career, and all that comes with it, should be discussed with anyone you are serious. I know men who have divorced women who refused to move and they were not unhappy with their choice. Again, a candid choice and candid discussion is what is called for.

What is often said is, ‘Jobs come and go, Family is forever.’ While I agree with it in spirit, in reality divorce isn’t as uncommon as we’d like. Jobs come and go, marriages fail, sun rises in the East and sets in the West. It is often said, ‘...nobody says on their deathbed they wished they spent more time at the office.’ True. But many play the second guessing of crossroads in careers saying things like, ‘...I could have been/could have gone to...’ and so on. The great job you were offered and turned down five/ten or twenty years ago may make an interesting (or tired) cocktail conversation note, but it wasn’t a lifetime standing offer, time marched on and you made your choice. Life is all about choices.

Again, to the OP, good for you, it appears you are happy with your choice and that is the BEST choice. Good for you !
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 08:35 PM   #15
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In my experience, once a job offer comes in, my mind kicks into a higher gear of imagining myself there. The mental "trying on" starts when you first hear about a job in a new place and builds as you go through interviews. It doesn't just screech to a halt when you decline the opportunity but it has a pretty short half-life.
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Old Apr 19th 2012, 09:11 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by S.S. Minnow View Post
Just wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and how you overcame it.

I have a job offer in a bigger city but my wife does not want to move. Honestly, the pay at the station I'm looking at would be about the same, and I'd be working weekends, but I'm ready for a new adventure and tired of small town life. The cost of living in this city is comparable to where I live now. I know we could afford it.

My wife is concerned about finding a new job and says she isn't impressed with the city. I'm afraid if I say no, I'll pass up a good opportunity to get out of a job at which I've spent 10+ years.

Thanks in advance to those who reply.
If you move and she isn't happy you may be looking for a new wife instead of another job.
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Old Apr 20th 2012, 05:33 AM   #17
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A year out of college I was working in Atlantic City to save money for Grad school. Out of the blue, I was offered a job to manage a restaurant and bar within the brand new Caesar's World Casino. All I had to do was show up to meet with some higher-up from the person who offered me the position.

I didn't even go. I didn't go because I knew there would be a lot of money offered. I didn't want to hear how much. I didn't want to be tempted. I had already decided to go to Grad school and managing a bar and restaurant weren't on my list of things to do.

Accepting the job would have kept me in my home state. It almost certainly would have set me up for some financial security. Instead I chose Grad school and since then have lived in three other states for long periods of time. I never would have met the people I can't imagine not having in my life. Even today, I still struggle financially, even more so in the past few years since my divorce. But I have absolutely no regrets. None.
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Old Apr 20th 2012, 06:35 AM   #18
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Same here, Mom. I was accepted to law school but chose grad school instead. My life would have been more secure, but I probably never would have moved from my hometown, never would have lived in some terrific places (also Dallas) and wouldn't have many of my incredible friends from all eras. Heck, I wouln't know any of you. Oh... Wait... Umm...
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Old Apr 20th 2012, 09:14 AM   #19
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Happy wife, happy life. You made the right choice. My marriage ended because I put career over family. By the time I had figured that out, the damage was done. Doing it differently this time around and the results have been so far much happier for the new Soon-To-Be-Mrs-Broken and I.
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Old Apr 20th 2012, 10:39 AM   #20
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I'm just glad you followed my advice to inject her heroin, first.



Wait, what? I'm not good with computer...
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Old Apr 20th 2012, 10:42 AM   #21
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I'm just glad you followed my advice to inject her heroin, first.



Wait, what? I'm not good with computer...
Oh crap, I forgot to erase that email before the cops took my computer for evidence!

Oh well, a deal's a deal - you still get half the life insurance money when they finally pay up.
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Old Apr 20th 2012, 07:48 PM   #22
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I'd answer your predicament thoughtfully but I'm still getting over the shock of having spent TWO different lunchtime layovers at the DC train station cafe waiting for Mockingbird or Tripe Face to show up.

At least the crabcakes were good and half the women travelers were wearing hose.
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Old Apr 23rd 2012, 07:22 PM   #23
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I would not move.

1.) Job market outside TV stinks. Nothing will add more stress to your relationship than losing half your household income when your wife quits her job until the time she lands another job.
2.) If you don't have friends or family in the area, what kind of support network will you & your wife have? If you're working weekends & your wife works M-F, when will you see each other? No friends (at the start, just after moving), no family, and free weekends when your wife is alone could had to stress in your relationship.
3.) Marriage should change your focus. Professional excitement of a no job with no real benefit of more pay, better hours, or a lack of professional advancement are not good reasons for moving. If you're tired of small town, make your wife your world! If she's the center of your universe, who cares the size of the town you live in?

Marriage is a team effort. When I first got married, my wife did not want to live in the state I was working in. We met in college & I graduated 2 years before her. She earned a BS in nursing (the state I lived in had crappy mandatory overtime for nurses laws at the time.) So, I looked hard for jobs elsewhere & got lots of offers. They key was finding a place we both liked. My wife is my best friend. A marriage based on a foundation of friendship works well, because with friendship comes trust, respect, and each friend looking out for the other's best interest. If you make a move your wife is not behind, you 100% it could lead to resentment working its way into your relationship. Is a lateral move worth that risk?

One of the big reasons which can lead a married couple to arguing is money. If your wife quits her job to follow you, fights may occur about finances until your love lands a job in your new town. Is it worth it? Even for the short term? My opinion, no! What about the long term?

Worse, what if the only jobs your wife can land due to a sucky job market are gigs she would loathe or not want to do? Are you prepared for her to make that sacrifice? How will you support her if she does that? Is that a fair thing to do because you want the excitement of a new job in a bigger city?

Employment is great, but I am a firm believer of putting family first. Unless changing jobs offers a huge upside for your family, I would not make a change. Never put work before your marriage, unless you want to one day trade your spouse for a job. Jobs are a dime a dozen, a spouse who loves you & genuinely cares for you are rare! Don't put a job before the needs of your wife unless you want to be single again.


From what you've said, I would not take the job. Too many potential marriage land mines which could blow up your marriage.
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Old May 2nd 2012, 06:58 AM   #24
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The wife should always defer to the husband's career.

ALWAYS.

TVMattNYC has spoken.
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Old May 2nd 2012, 12:11 PM   #25
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The wife should always defer to the husband's career.

ALWAYS.

TVMattNYC has spoken.
Has anyone noticed that gay men have the best advice about marriage and childrearing? (no pun intended)
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