[Viewfinder BLUES] YOU THERE...

[Lenslinger]

...with the clingy tops and delusions of excellence: Congratulations - you made it into The Book of Lenslinger. Where exactly, I'm not really sure, but that line you laid on your erstwhile partner today won you a prominent place in the chapter about bad behavior. I only wish I could share it with my visitors here. Instead, I'll have to wait. While I do, let me thank you. See, burgeoning satirists like me pray for displays like yours today. Talented scribes have wandered in the wilderness for years in search of that kind of real life dialogue... and to think you gave it away for free! Honestly, I don't deserve it. But I'll take it, take it and save the whole thing verbatim 'til fate presents me with a proper showcase. I just hope my readers won't think it too over the top. God knows I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not witnessed up close and personal-like. That vast sucking sound you heard when you stopped talking? That was me, trying to force air back in my lungs after your words drop-kicked that dude in the sternum. I thought I'd heard it ALL during my twenty year tenure, but YOU, dear, just added to my memoirs.

It's sad, really - watching a promising young broadcaster devolve into a haughty cartoon. But it ain't like it's the first time. See, I was watching small-market anchors throw family-size tantrums back when you were humming along to that big purple dinosaur. So was the cat you so thoughtlessly upbraided. Now, I know that doesn't mean much to a superstar like you. After all, we've never been the subject of our very own promo and I don't get fan mail complimenting me on the way my mouth looks when it moves, but I know a thing or three about where television is going and I'm delighted to report You're Not There. Yes, there will always be pretty people reciting the day's events, but as the last traces of vaudeville fall away from our crumbling craft, I sincerely hope we'll find away to dispose of your ilk... Surely there's a reality show casting about for a primadonna who prefers the taste of her very own Kool-Aid. Maybe there's an endorsement deal waiting with Deluded Shrews, that Lifetime series currently in search of a diminutive villainess ....

Then again you future is not my concern. Happily, neither is the health of your escape tape. In fact, I'm merely a bystander, one of many colleagues currently whispering behind your well formed back. We all owe you a debt of gratitude, for asinine behavior like yours is a welcome diversion in such tough economic times. Why you're a natural treasure! Or at the very least a local laughing stock! That must be worth something, for what better cure for performance anxiety than the quiet knowledge that no one's taking you the least bit seriously anymore. Quite an accomplishment, indeed. So, if you'll excuse me I have to retire to my lair and scribble down just. what. you. said. Thanks for reminding me that pomp and petulance are alive and well in the 21st Century. Thanks for reminding me about the downsides of adulation. Thanks for reminding me WHY I like to work alone....

And now for something completely different:




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