Story Critique

[Twitch]

Hey guys... I know it's been a while since I've posted a story on here (about two years since the ghost story in high school!)... But I've got another to share... this time from college.

This one is about a Gator fan for life... and beyond.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KFxiyk-ThYE

I know the lighting is a bit dark in one of the interviews... but otherwise, I'd like to hear what you guys like, what you don't like, and what you would have done differently.

Thanks!

[Roy Hobbs]

Hi again, Miles.

It's no surprise to most of us that you look like you're well on your way, and in fact, may have already arrived!

That package is better than at least 75% of the swill that current local sports folks churn out. What can we do to lure you back to the news side where you're even more desperately needed?!

A couple points...try to write to every shot you edit in...you only missed a few...and those are debatable. For example you could have made more allusion to the birds alighting on the lights as you talked about returning to the stadium (e.g. "as the idea takes wing...or..."beneath the lights an idea is nesting").

Second...watch for My Question is Cool-itis. Are you sure you needed to leave your question in the last set of soundbites? It was fine but maybe things would have been tighter without.

Third...what is Maria Gonzales' phone number? La chica es la mui caliente!

Congrats on a job well done and looking forward to seeing more. Remember us little people when you're famous!

[newsandwx]

Always great seeing your latest samples! Very impressive indeed. Mark better be submitting your pieces for some hardware. He won't be losing to UCF with that haha.

[RollTide98]

The piece is very impressive. Did you do both the shooting and the editing?

Some of the good...
1.) The blend of tracks and nats keep the piece moving.
2.) Excellent shot selection at :40 when you discuss the pearly gates of heaven. Lots of good, dramatic beauty shots throughout.
3.) The tracks are well-written... a good blend of information, story-telling, and wit.
4.) Fast edits when they were needed. But you also let shots (like the one at :40) "breathe" when fast editing was not needed.
5.) You worked in a field goal that defeated Auburn.
6.) You remind me a younger Boyd Huppert... I'm guessing you've been watching his "Land of 10,000 Stories" pieces on www.kare11.com

Some of the suggestions...
1.) A little too much panning around in the b-roll.
2.) I think Natalie was awkwardly framed in her SOTs. I almost always prefer to see interview subjects at eye level or from below.
3.) Yeah, the lighting on Bill is a little dark. But it's still better than just regular lighting. A little more wattage on the right side of his face, and you're fine.
4.) Not that crazy about the shot at 1:24. What is that we're looking through?
5.) No suggestions on the tracks. They're well-done. (I, for some reason, especially liked the "funeral director" line regarding Natalie's phone calls. It's a phrase most other reporters wouldn't have thought of.)

Keep this one for the resume tape.

[Twitch]

Thanks guys... and thanks for the suggestions!

RollTide, sorry for the confusion about the shot at 1:24... it's actually looking through a brick wall (with holes, of course) that lines the north and south part of the stands. I can see how it might be weird to see if you haven't been inside the stadium before.

[John M.]

Good piece. Two-and-a-half minutes didn't seem that long, which is a testament to a well-paced story. Most stories that length should have more than two interview subjects and this one would have benefited from at least one more voice. Reaction from one of Bill's family members about his decision, perhaps. Or a friend enlightening us on Bill's devotion to Gator sports.

I know at the end he mentions that the stadium is home but I wanted more of an explanation of why his affection for UF was so strong that he wanted to rest there forever. In the story he tells us when he made his decision but he doesn't adequately spell out why.

I'm a big fan of historical footage and I liked how you tied Bill's time in law school with Spurrier's playing days. I would have replaced the second part of his bite when he says, "You knew he was going to do it you just didn't know how," which is not relevant to your story, with something in which Bill talked about something that illuminated what makes him such a big fan.

Good of you to think to get a shot of his photo from that time. Was that from a school library copy of the yearbook or did Bill provide that? Either way, it was good thinking.

Even if you couldn't learn how many people's ashes have come "home" to Florida Field, it would have added something to at least have heard how many such calls Natalie has taken in her (number of) years working there. That's what the set up of "he's not the only one" appeared to be leading to. Beyond "I thought it was a prank," I'd love to know what Natalie thought when she realized it wasn't.

I thought the interruption of Natalie's SOT with your question about researching the ashes was dead-on. When not overdone, using audio of a question can offer a more concise set-up than narration or -- as in this case -- it can jump in with the thought that question that viewers are begging be asked. Just make sure your audio is better recorded.

After the first three shots, the photography was generally well done. I would have started with something besides a generic-looking sports highlight. Whenever you were getting the shot of Bill, I would have gotten some more shots of Gator fans and the game from a different perspective than the ones we saw.

I know you can't set up and shoot the game from anywhere in an arena like that. You have to be sneaky, quick and a little lucky and you might have ended with no better option for game video than the shot you used but the fans shots had room for improvement. There had to be a child clad in Gator-gear that would have fit the "fan for life" line and offered a nice contrast to the 65-year-old main subject of your story. A wide shot from the arena's upper deck would have worked nicely with mention of how easy it is to find Gator fans.

I, too, prefer eye-level interview framing. If it's important for a viewer to see someone's face in a soundbite, I want the viewer to see that face as clearly as possible.

The writing was excellent throughout. Overall good job.

[David R. Busse]

I agree with an earlier poster...this is the kind of stuff that I like seeing in a sports show.

I liked everything about the story except the first 15 seconds. The lede was trite and did not catch my attention. The writing to pictures was adequate. But there was potential here for a great, catchy lede and what I heard was not very clever.

And I think the sound bite about tripping the Florida State guy should have been much higher in the piece, as juxtaposition. Just my thought...it was a helluva bite and...well, just a thought that it could have been part of a clever set-up higher in the story (penned after my third viewing of the piece).

There was a bit much panning (I hated the panned shot across the guy's face in the darkened auditorium). We never saw the old boy "making a ham sandwich" as they used to say...driving a car, doing his lawyer thing, whatever. For all we knew he lived in that auditorium and the visual juxtaposition of him being his workaday self would have been nice. Is his house a Gator sports shrine? Does he have a license plate or frame that says something about the Gators?

There were also a couple other shots that I questioned, but I happened to like the different look of the interview with the gal in the athletic department office. It worked quite nicely after the phone sequence. Shooting it "the same old way" would have made it look like the "same old interview." Interviews are portraits, and this portrait told us a lot about this woman and her cramped office. I cheered when I saw this whole sequence...

You want a book to really teach you something about storytelling?

I would suggest reading Wayne Freedman's "It Takes More Than Good Looks to Succeed in TV News." You will probably pick up some ideas to take your storytelling to the next level...you demonstrate here that you would probably understand some of his theories.

(I shot a story with Wayne about a week ago, so I know a little about his style...and yes, there are elements in his book and in his seminars anyone can borrow to make their work better. Read the book).

I think Freedman would have interviewed the subject of this story in about 3 different locations. The dark auditorium worked once...

If this is the kind of work you are doing on a daily basis, please keep it up and share it with us. You're pretty much "getting it" in a business where you get better by "doing it" day after day, and you move forward by offering prospective employers a tape that shows you don't tell stories "the same old way."