A critique, if you will

[RollTide98]

This is a daily-turn story from a few days ago... I have my own ideas on what I could have done better as a reporter, more sound from the cop being one of them. I'd like to hear what you think.

The EP wrote the lead-in. I wrote the rest.

49-Year Officer Retires (http://www.abc3340.com/abc3340videopop.hrb?a=f&n=n&s=99999&file=mms://video.wjla.com/abc3340/0728-shivers.wmv&stat=abc3340)

[ July 30, 2007, 06:46 PM: Message edited by: RollTide98 ]

[Purplehaze]

You did a nice job putting it together, lots of nat sound, quick bites, etc. But I'm curious about a couple of things. You mentioned that he never shot anyone. Did he have any close calls? Also, what made him decide to become an officer? Why did he live in the neighborhood that he patrolled? Was it because of something that happened? I know it was a daily turn, but I kept waiting for some surprises to unfold. Just my thoughts. Take them for what they're worth, which probably aren't much smile.gif

[ July 30, 2007, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: Purplehaze ]

[Gil]

Very nice. Thanks for not trying to be part of that story.

[Pregnant Reporter]

Good for you, for offering yourself up for feedback!

Your EP could take some writing lessons. For one thing, he stole your thunder and told your story.

He also doesn't need to start the copy with the name of the officer. In a city of a million people (1991 census) he is not a household name.

Finally, that is a LONG script for an into. Better:

Anchor 1: "Birmingham police sign off for the last time with an officer who saw the city through events from (example) to (example)
Anchor 2: The night team's Jeremy King introduces us to a man whose badge reflects a remarkable career.

Why are you live in the newsroom? How about being live where officer Shivers parked his car? "Officer Shivers parked BPD unit 2050 here tonight for the last time. On the eve of his retirement,we ride along on his last street patrol of a 49 year career."

I did the math a couple of ways and I see you put some research into your figure that he's patrolled 800,000 miles. that's a nice touch.

The coffee set up seems backwards. We see the coffee and hear from the coffee server, then he says he's going to stop for coffee.

I might have flip-flopped that to say 800,000 miles and "drip drip" of coffee brewing or pouring no teling how may cups of coffee. then, "we're gonna stop here for a cup of coffee" then let her say her first half of her repeated thought "we're going to miss him." then your track about his regular stop, then the rest of her bite.

that way, you keep the short sequences and nats but tell the story in a more sensical order.

also I don't know if you did this to your photog or he did it to you, but i HATE that you have his back walking into the door of the coffee shop, then he pops outside beside his car to say he's 72, then he's inside again. that's a nono from a storytelling perspective.

LOVE the bite from the young cop, referring to his colleague as, "MR. Shivers." that's a nice touch to achieve the feel you're going for.

the last track about him with video of the restaurant lady is pure wallpaper, and her nats are loud enough to be distracting.

I like the touch with him meeting Johnny and we learn he lives in the sector he patrols. but as you move on to the next old man, I think we get it with how many cups of coffee. you seem a little enthralled with that as the story teller, and it isn't the story.

I wouldn't criticize your ending. It's nice. I love the reveal of badge #1. I love the compliments from his fellow officers.

i'm not sure why it was in the set-up that he's never shot anybody. thousands of career cops retire without pulling the trigger on a bada$$. again I think that goes back to your weak writer of an EP.

As your live tag, I get you made a deal with Shivers about his party. i think I would have kept it hard by saying something like... "Officer Shivers retires at a time when recruitment for BPD is up/down __%. The incoming cadet class will do xyz for those numbers. And officer Shivers invites everyone to celebrate his retirment. For information on his retirement festivities, check out our website at blah blah blah"

Overall, nice job. I see your photographer and EP arent' exceptionally talented, but you seem to be doing a nice job in spite of them and I'd love to see more of your work.

[ July 30, 2007, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: Pregnant Reporter ]

[John M.]

Scattershot thoughts from a sleepy guy past his bedtime...

First thing I want to do when I'm going to interview someone who's experience stretches so far back in time is to try to picture what life was like back then.

A guy who's been a cop for half a century in Alabama has seen a lot of history. What was he doing during the civil rights unrest of the 1960's? If he avoided conflict, how did he do it? I thought the fact that a black man would want to move into a particular neighborhood because a white cop lived there was particularly striking. Even now I suspect it's uncommon. What's different about this guy that he would inspire that kind of trust?

I would like to have seen more about what he has seen over that much time. What has changed? How has he changed over the years? Did he have black friends who invited him in for coffee in 1958? I don't mean to harp on race but for someone in his profession during the time he practiced it, that was the defining issue.

I'm not sure I like his career measured in coffee. In a longer form story in which he also addressed serious questions like those above, the coffee would have injected some welcome comic relief. As told here, it almost sounds like his job consisted of going from place to place mooching free drinks from people.

From a more technical standpoint, when I do a feature about someone, that person is almost always the first person I hear from in the story. The young cop SOT was not strong enough to warrant an exception. I like the variety of voices you have in the piece. I would like for them to have added more substance. They were all generic and ordinary. None of them cut to the heart of who this guy was. The shopkeeper says she's going to miss him and that she felt safer having him around. Unless no one will now be patrolling that beat any more, she could be talking about any cop. I needed her to tell me something specific about this cop.

Same for the younger cops. As someone who wondered as he watched the story whether a 72-year-old man was fit for police duty, it would have helped for one of them to explain either that the guy was much fitter than he looked or that the experience and smarts developed over the decades taught him how to sense potentially dangerous situations before things got dicey. The SOTs we got could have been said (and have) by any colleague of an elderly co-worker in almost any profession.

I did almost laugh at the peculiar way the anchor said that the guy hadn't shot anybody in all his time on the force. He sounded almost disappointed yet hopeful that the cop still had one more chance to plug someone.

[RollTide98]

PR -- Thanks for your feedback. Oddly enough, this was a case in which I suggested a live shot at the precinct, and the producer actually said he didn't see the need!

I'm putting together a tape for a critique by a colleague in another market. If you have spare time, send me your address in a PM, and I'd love to send you a copy.

John -- The issues that have changed over time were actually the first questions I had in mind for the officer. I backed off, however, from pursuing that angle. In general, my feedback from the public is they're tired of constantly re-living Birmingham's struggles. I had just done a PKG centering on those struggles earlier in the week, so I ended up dropping it for an overall lighter feel. Perhaps I should have kept it in, at least as one of a handful of elements.

[John M.]

I would not suggest that you re-hash old struggles already thoroughly detailed any more than I'd want you to fill a story with the usual platitudes about how someone was liked and will be missed.

Too many reporters seem to do interviews listening for soundbites they've heard before so that they can insert them into comfortable formulas. I don't think this is conscious; I think it's how a lot of us start. We learn by copying story structures we've seen from people we want to emulate. I certainly did. It's that too many of us never advance beyond that.

I don't mean to pick on Jeremy. He's merely the one brave enough to expose something to critical review that made me think of this.

I remember a story I did when I worked in Cincinnati. An escaped rapist from Pennsylvania had moved to Ohio, assumed a new identity, married, started a business and lived undetected for more than 25 years before police finally found him.

I was assigned the "talk to the neighbors" story. At one couple's house, I crossed paths with a reporter from another station. Pressed for time we teamed up on the interviews and it was clear that the other reporter was aiming for the "neighbors are shocked" angle. Only one problem. These people weren't. While surprised he was arrested, they weren't at all shocked that he was a criminal. Again and again, this reporter rephrased a question looking for the "I'm shocked" bite as they continued to detail all the different things he had done that made his criminal past anything but a shock.

I watched later and, sure enough, this reporter had turned a terrifically memorable story into the cliched, "neighbors are shocked" story.

My story began differently: IN STORIES LIKE THIS, NEIGHBORS ALWAYS SAY, 'HE WAS A QUIET MAN.' NOT ALDEN IRISH'S NEIGHBORS.
(SOT - Neighbor)
"All he did was cuss."

[ July 31, 2007, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: John M. ]

[Mr G]

I won't comment on specifics, but overall impression.

first, I love these kind of stories and wish we did more like them. I thought you did a good job, but I don't think this is a very memorable story. and it could have been.

viewers will watch and say "that's nice" but they won't remember it, or care. the copy and bytes just scratch the surface and don't really give any depth or context. you stretch together a few good lines and SOTS, but in the end they don't mean anything when you don't first care about your main character.

[Fearmonger]

Good story! I don't think the fact that he had no notches on his gun was important. I'd rather have heard about how many letters of commendation and awards he's received in nearly 50 years. This was a good story and a break from the idea of, If It Bleeds It Leads. I do wonder what his favorite set of golf clubs or fishing rod looked like.

I'd do a follow-up on his retirement party too.

[ August 06, 2007, 12:15 AM: Message edited by: Fearmonger ]

[RollTide98]

Originally posted by Fearmonger:
Good story! I don't think the fact that he had no notches on his gun was important. I'd rather have heard about how many letters of commendation and awards he's received in nearly 50 years. This was a good story and a break from the idea of, If It Bleeds It Leads. I do wonder what his favorite set of golf clubs or fishing rod looked like.

I'd do a follow-up on his retirement party too.We did the retirement party as well, although given the news of the day, it was in VO-SOT-VO form.

I appreciate the feedback, and I have my own ideas as well on how I could have done the story better. My goal when doing critiques is to improve daily-turn story-telling, especially in cases like this when I don't have a whole lot of time to write. I want to improve at turning a memorable story, even when grabbing other VO-SOTs, etc., cuts into the time I have to prepare. The above feedback will help.

[ August 06, 2007, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: RollTide98 ]

[Roll Q]

I'm not gonna get as detailed, because it's late. But the two things that struck me are both positive and negative.

Positive... LOVED the short sots and tracks!!!

Negative (and it's minor) WISH you could have been live in the field, by his car, as mentioned or ANYwhere, besides the studio, it completely interrupts the flow of the story.

Overall, nice job! smile.gif