Script to critique

[RollTide98]

We haven't done this in a while... So I thought I'd put this here.

[STANDUP -- 00:16:38][Length:9]
<"Some time ago, schools in Carbon Hill adopted a new motto -- setting our sights on tomorrow. In Carbon Hill, tomorrow is finally here.">
[NATS -- Band][Length:3]
< band sound >
THEY STRUCK UP THE BAND...
THEY PLEDGED ALLEGIENCE...
IT SEEMED THE WHOLE TOWN CAME... TO DEDICATE THE NEW SCHOOL...
BUT OUT IN THE HALLS...
[NAT/SOT -- Mom -- 00:14:59][Length:2]
<"This way Ashley? Okay.">
ASHLEY WELSH IS LEADING HER MOM PAST COUNTLESS CLASSROOMS...
[NAT/SOT -- COVER PART? -- Mom -- 00:15:18][Length:5]
<"I love the rooms. They're huge. They got brand new desks and everything. It's wonderful.">
THEY'LL GO DOWN BEYOND THE LOCKERS...
AND THROUGH THE LIBRARY...
[NAT/SOT -- COVER LAST HALF -- Mom -- 00:14:26][Length:5]
<"They have so much to offer here in this class. I mean this is wonderful. Y'all are so lucky.">
TO ASHLEY'S "FAVORITE" ROOM...
[NAT/SOT -- Daughter -- 00:16:20][Length:4]
<"In science, I get to learn about the animals and their cells.">
THIS CAMPUS REPLACES THE TEMPORARY SCHOOL...
WHERE STUDENTS LEARNED IN PORTABLES.
[SOT -- Daughter -- 00:11:44][Length:6]
<"In the trailers, you can actually hear all the rain. Probably in here, you won't be able to hear all the rain.">
THE OLD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WAS DEVASTATED BY A TORNADO...
THE HIGH SCHOOL WHERE ASHLEY'S MOTHER WENT -- BY FIRE...
[SOT -- COVER -- Mom -- 00:10:59][Length:3]
<"I cried a lot because it had a lot of memories for me.">
BUT SEEING THIS...
SHE CALLS THE "NEW" SCHOOL... A BLESSING.
[SOT -- Mom -- 00:13:07][Length:5]
<"The Lord works in mysterious ways. He just wanted Carbon Hill to bloom -- big and proud.">
IT'S CLEAR -- THE BULLDOGS ARE BACK...
FINALLY -- IN A SHINY, NEW SCHOOL...
[SOT -- COVER -- Daughter -- 00:11:36][Length:2]
< "It kinda looks like a hospital.">
BUT AMID ALL THE CHANGE...
SOME THINGS REMAIN THE SAME.
[NAT/SOT -- Daughter -- 00:16:31][Length:2]
<"You like homework?"
"Nuh-uh.">
SIG-OUT

[ September 11, 2005, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: RollTide98 ]

[Mr G]

way to go Tide! you have some guts. I hope some of this helps, and hope it doesn't come across too harsh.

I really liked the end, but hated the beginning. you better have a real compelling reason to ever start a story with a standup.(we could do a whole thread on this) I don't care how cute you are, there's always something better to put off the top to make someone want to watch the rest.

overall, the story suffers from a lot of passive writing. I also think you need to get the facts about the tornado and fire up higher(with some file? a standup?) you have to give me some context, a reason to care, first.

you also saved some of the best stuff for the very end. the short SOT about the hospital is great. use it. other SOTS(the science one) distract and don't add anything. stay focused.

I like how you're thinking differently than most. you realized this story wasn't about the ceremony you were sent to, and you were able to find real people. to take it to the next level you need to find the larger theme(you were getting close near the end) and weave it throughout. starting with that will make the ending much more powerfull. then you can save the ceremony for the middle. that's the boring stuff. don't start with it.

finally, I don't know how this looked on tape, but I guess you're doing a good job of writing to your shots. next time, instead of writing exactly what you see, show me the shot while telling me something I can't see to make me understand it better. write around your video, not exactly to it.

good job and good luck!

[s'news]

Ditto on the opening standup. It's better to do a bridge, perhaps transitioning to either file vid of the destruction or to some old-timey photos related to the school. Maybe somebody paging through an old yearbook, talking about people they knew or something.

I wanted more of a sense of what was lost — heritage or tradition of the old school. When was the original school built? Stuff like that.

I didn't mind the soundbite with the kid talking about science. It's only :04 and it speaks to going to school.

I did get confused at one point:

THE OLD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WAS DEVASTATED BY A TORNADO...
THE HIGH SCHOOL WHERE ASHLEY'S MOTHER WENT -- BY FIRE...

Maybe I'm slow on a Monday morning, but which school is which?

Nice ending.

[upandown]

I understand what you tried to do and applaud the effort, but it reads like a rhythmic list.

A case of style and form to the detriment of substance. A bit of Benihana, I suspect.

Give me more heart, next time, and make it relevant to the person watching.

[ September 12, 2005, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: upandown ]

[TKMN]

One thing I've noticed when people post these is that all we get is a script, which makes it hard to judge. Give us a little more of a precis as to the situation- don't make excuses, but let everyone know what direction you were given. The standup at the top really sticks out, but did your producer demand a looklive? What else should we know going into critiquing?

Unless you give a situation, it's hard to evaluate the outcome. You can't say what shoulda been unless you know what was, dig?

[AnchorsAway]

I agree with the previous post about the opening standup- but it would make a great Anchor Intro so you pkg start with strong nat sound.

ANCHOR-
Some time ago, schools in Carbon Hill adopted a new motto -- "setting our sights on tomorrow".
AND AS JOE BLOW REPORTS... In Carbon Hill, tomorrow is finally here.

TAKE PKG
nat sound off the top.

[RollTide98]

Thanks guys...

Now that I've got the reaction, I'll explain the anchor set-up to the piece and the opening standup.

The anchor led in with file VO re-capping the fire and tornado. I did this to set the scene before the PKG ever began. I don't rely on file every time -- but I did in this case.

In the opening standup, viewers didn't actually see me at the start. They had just seen the file of the devastated campuses. The standup started with a wide shot of the new campus -- the camera panned to me for the last few secs.

If you don't mind, I'll post tonight's story in a little while...

[s'news]

Post away. I still don't like the opening standup. There's almost always a better beginning, even if it comes right after a VO lead-in like you described and even if you aren't the first thing being seen. Start with moving pictures that set the stage, write to them and, most times, head for your first soundbite. The standup can come when you need to take a turn.

[imported_Ike Pigott]

Actually, if that was a look-live mandated at the top, it's easy to trim that off for your resume tape.

Those things can be thrown away easily, and I recommend that you concentrate on making the rest of the piece stand alone. That means focus again on the beginning "after the look-live." Make sure it makes sense in the total context, and serves as a good introduction to your theme, thesis, and tone.

You really should have picked a better mentor during your internship.

[ September 12, 2005, 03:38 PM: Message edited by: Ike Pigott ]

[Irony]

Originally posted by RollTide98:
THEY'LL GO DOWN BEYOND THE LOCKERS...
AND THROUGH THE LIBRARY...Aaaah. To be young again.

[RollTide98]

Originally posted by Ike Pigott:
You really should have picked a better mentor during your internship.Tell me about it... ;)

I broke an upandown rule on this one... but have a look. This piece from last week - as part of a show raising support for Katrina victims.

[SOT -- COVER Walker -- 17:42:17][Length:6]
<"I didn't really know what to expect, but when I got down there, I didn't expect what I saw.">
[SOT -- COVER Barnett -- 17:39:01][Length:3]
<"Those people really are devastated.">
[SOT -- COVER Walker -- 17:43:28][Length:3]
<"It's something I hope I never have to see again.">
THE CALERA DIVE TEAM SAW THE WORST KATRINA HAD TO OFFER...
THESE OFFICERS ROUTINELY TAKE PART IN DRILLS... PREPARING THEM FOR WHAT THEY MAY FACE...
BUT NOTHING COULD PREPARE THEM -- FOR SOUTH MISSISSIPPI.
[SOT -- Walker -- 17:46:32][Length:8]
<"It's a surreal experience seeing people trying to walk around -- live their lives around when there's an open door with a dead body just right inside that apartment door.">
THE TEAM SHOT THESE IMAGES BETWEEN MISSIONS...
HOUSES TURNED INTO MATCH-STICKS...
MANGLED RAILROAD TRACKS...
A VAN RIPPED APART... BY NATURE'S FORCE.
THE DIVERS' TASK... LOOK FOR PEOPLE WHO HADN'T BEEN FOUND...
ONE FAMILY COULD ONLY BE REACHED... BY WATER.
[SOT -- COVER LAST PART Barnett -- 17:37:25][Length:9]
<"They actually thought that they were okay. They said they had a day or two food supply. START COVER HERE I don't think they realized the devastation that was outside their house.">
THE CREW WOULD DISCOVER NO MORE SURVIVORS...
THE DESTRUCTION...
THE SHATTERED REMAINS OF PEOPLE'S LIVES...
GAVE THEM A NEW APPRECIATION... FOR LIFE ITSELF.
[SOT -- Walker -- 17:45:41][Length:8]
<"You kinda hug your wife a little more than you probably did before you left, and you kiss your daughter, and it kinda makes you just glad -- it makes you real thankful.">
[SOT -- Barnett -- 17:38:55][Length:6]
<"You almost feel guilty coming back to where you have electricity and air conditioning and food and running water.">
BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HERE... HAVE LOST THAT -- AND SO MUCH MORE.
[SOT -- Walker -- 17:44:24][Length:3]
<"Those people are gonna need help for a long time.">
THE DIVE TEAM'S BACK HOME...
THEIR EQUIPMENT READY... IN CASE THEY'RE CALLED BACK...
BUT THEY KNOW *ANYONE* CAN REACH OUT... TO THOSE STILL IN NEED.
[SOT -- Barnett -- 17:40:10][Length:8]
<"They've got to have help from the outside people, or they're not going to be able to get back up on their feet like this.">

[imported_Ike Pigott]

Is this the opening line you were looking for to set up your bites?

"Rescue divers are trained to work in total darkness. Sometimes, they wish they had to."

[upandown]

(READ BETWEEN THE LINES FOR MY CRITIQUE. IT WON'T BE PRETTY)

I broke an upandown rule on this one...

(WHAT RULE?)

but have a look. This piece from last week - as part of a show raising support for Katrina victims.

(IS THIS THE RULE? OPENING WITH SOUND BITES BEFORE INTRODUCING YOUR SUBJECTS?)

[SOT -- COVER Walker -- 17:42:17][Length:6]
<"I didn't really know what to expect, but when I got down there, I didn't expect what I saw.">
[SOT -- COVER Barnett -- 17:39:01][Length:3]
<"Those people really are devastated.">
[SOT -- COVER Walker -- 17:43:28][Length:3]
<"It's something I hope I never have to see again.">
THE CALERA DIVE TEAM SAW THE WORST KATRINA HAD TO OFFER...

('OFFER'---BAD WORD. KATRINA DID NOT 'OFFER'. IT 'DEALT'.)

THESE OFFICERS ROUTINELY TAKE PART IN DRILLS... PREPARING THEM FOR WHAT THEY MAY FACE...

(OKAY, BUT WAS THIS A DRILL? IF NOT, THE REFERENCE DOESN'T BELONG HERE. IT DOES NOTHING TO BUILD SUSPENCE AND DELAYS THE IMPACT. YOU USED SEVERAL SECONDS OF VALUABLE TIME FOR A CHEAP TRICK TO ARTIFICALLY ENHANCE CONTRAST)

BUT NOTHING COULD PREPARE THEM -- FOR SOUTH MISSISSIPPI.

[SOT -- Walker -- 17:46:32][Length:8]
<"It's a surreal experience seeing people trying to walk around -- live their lives around when there's an open door with a dead body just right inside that apartment door.">
THE TEAM SHOT THESE IMAGES BETWEEN MISSIONS...
HOUSES TURNED INTO MATCH-STICKS...
MANGLED RAILROAD TRACKS...
A VAN RIPPED APART... BY NATURE'S FORCE

(“NATURE’S FORCE”. CALL IT WHAT IT IS-- A HURRICANE.WHAT ELSE WOULD RIP IT APART?).

THE DIVERS' TASK... LOOK FOR PEOPLE WHO HADN'T BEEN FOUND...

(DO YOU MEAN LOOK FOR MISSING PEOPLE?)

ONE FAMILY COULD ONLY BE REACHED... BY WATER.

(WATCH YOUR GRAMMAR. 'REACHED ONLY')

[SOT -- COVER LAST PART Barnett -- 17:37:25][Length:9]
<"They actually thought that they were okay. They said they had a day or two food supply. START COVER HERE I don't think they realized the devastation that was outside their house.">
THE CREW WOULD DISCOVER NO MORE SURVIVORS...
THE DESTRUCTION...
THE SHATTERED REMAINS OF PEOPLE'S LIVES...
GAVE THEM A NEW APPRECIATION... FOR LIFE ITSELF.

(OVERLY DRAMATIC. YOU'RE SAYING THAT AMIDST ALL THIS DESTRUCTION, THEY FOUND NO ONE. NUFF SAID. NO NEED TO OVERSELL)

[SOT -- Walker -- 17:45:41][Length:8]
<"You kinda hug your wife a little more than you probably did before you left, and you kiss your daughter, and it kinda makes you just glad -- it makes you real thankful.">
[SOT -- Barnett -- 17:38:55][Length:6]
<"You almost feel guilty coming back to where you have electricity and air conditioning and food and running water.">

BECAUSE THE PEOPLE HERE... HAVE LOST THAT -- AND SO MUCH MORE
(LOST WHAT? WHAT IS ‘THAT’? AND IF THEY LOST MORE, THEN WHAT WAS IT THEY LOST? HOLLOW WORDS. BE SPECIFIC, NOT SANCTIMONIOUS)

[SOT -- Walker -- 17:44:24][Length:3]
<"Those people are gonna need help for a long time.">
THE DIVE TEAM'S BACK HOME...
THEIR EQUIPMENT READY... IN CASE THEY'RE CALLED BACK...
BUT THEY KNOW *ANYONE* CAN REACH OUT... TO THOSE STILL IN NEED

(COME ON, THIS TRACK SAYS NOTHING. IT'S GRATUITOUS. THE PIECE JUST BECAME VERY LONG. LESS CAN BE MORE. )

[SOT -- Barnett -- 17:40:10][Length:8]
<"They've got to have help from the outside people, or they're not going to be able to get back up on their feet like this.">[/QB][/QUOTE]

(YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS, TIDE. THERE IS NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH THE PIECE, BUT NOTHING TO DISTINGUISH IT, OR YOU. I’VE SEEN A HUNDRED PIECES LIKE THIS. WHAT WERE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY? ALTHOUGH THE MATERIAL OFFERS COMPELLING POSSIBILITIES, YOU FAILED TO BREAK THE MOLD.)

[ September 12, 2005, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: upandown ]

[Pregnant Reporter]

Originally posted by s'news:
Post away. I still don't like the opening standup. There's almost always a better beginning, even if it comes right after a VO lead-in like you described and even if you aren't the first thing being seen. Start with moving pictures that set the stage, write to them and, most times, head for your first soundbite. The standup can come when you need to take a turn.Exactly. You really don't need standups most of the time, period. If you are storyteller, you are already fighting for time, without the :08-:12 seconds your mug would take up! Does that standup convey something you could no way show in video? Is it THE MOST compelling thing you need to mention, but have no way to show it? Can;t you say it live or in a standup bridge or tag? If your vo setup with the anchors gives the background, why do you need a "look live" off the top to say it again? It is the weakest opening you could have to a package, that is a Journalism 101 thing. Do NOT, under any circumstances, include something like that on your resume tape!!!!!

[John M.]

The dive story has possibilities that you can do more to realize by avoiding some trite phrases and deleting the generic soundbites.

I rarely begin or end stories with SOTs. The ones you used here did not say enough to warrant an exception.

If you shot this story at the dive team's training facility, I would simply omit the opening SOTs, begin with nats of them training and use your opening track to say roughly what you said. The idea being that their rigorous training made them think they were ready for anything but that nothing could prepare them for this... at which point you show the file of the Mississippi disaster scene.

The "surreal experience" SOT is a good one because it speaks specifically to this situation. The three opening SOTs could go in any disaster story; they're that generic. Generic comments are weak ones. If you've seen a soundbite before, so has your viewer. Don't make him watch it again or he might think there's nothing else new in your story.

Give me more than a play-by-play of the dive team's video.

In a story I did about red tide plagueing the Gulf of Mexico off western Florida (until flushed away by Katrina in the storm's positive contribution), a dive captain showed us video he had shot underwater. Instead of merely listing what was clear to anyone watching, I simply wrote:

MIKE MILLER HAS LIVED AND DIVED THROUGH RED TIDES FOR MORE THAN 20 YEARS. HE HAS NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS. WHEN HE GOES TO THE SEA FLOOR OF THE GULF OF MEXICO NOW, WHAT SHOULD BE AN UNDERWATER WONDERLAND IS A BLEAK BLANKET OF DEATH.

(HIS VIDEO CONTINUES AS WE HEAR HIS VOICE)

Mike Miller/Dive Captain: "I literally crawl along the bottom with my hands looking for anything alive. I can't find a single thing alive.""Bleak blanket of death" might have been alliteration overkill but you get the idea.

In your story I would have said something like, "What shook them was not that they saw houses turned into match-sticks... mangled railroad tracks... a van ripped apart... it was that that's ALL they saw as they searched for survivors among the debris."

This way you still write to your video while doing more than listing the shots.

Beware the "appreciation for life itself." It's a sentiment worth including but the line is cliche. So is the first bite about hugging family members. The second one about feeling guilt for having food and running water is much better. Again it specifically addresses this story. It will pack a stronger punch if you let it stand alone.

When doing "news" stories, make sure you look for what's "new" about them and focus on that. If you have to include well-worn elements (the "lucky to be alive" angle), try at least to find unique aspects to them. Otherwise you stick me with a story I've seen dozens of times before with nothing to distinguish yours from the rest in the heap.

[ September 12, 2005, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: John M. ]

[upandown]

Since fair is fair, here are two of my 13 Katrina scripts from last week---the first to pop out of the computer.

--

(***PKG***))

(TRACK over pictures of signs with missing letters)
IF YOU BELIEVE ONLY WHAT YOU READ, THEN JEFFERSON PARISH, LOUISIANA IS LIVING A GAME CALLED 'WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE … IT'S AN ALPHABET SOUP OF CONTRADICTIONS…

WHEN HURRICANE KATRINA ROLLED THROUGH HERE, HALF A MILLION PEOPLE LEFT.
THEY'VE RETURNED TO EMPTY PROMISES …(sign blown out, only the frame remains)
UNVEILED THREATS...(sign says they 'kill looters')
MISSED CONNECTIONS.(sign sez 'Emily call your dad')

(ON CAMERA, compresson shot walking along a half-mile line of telephone poles blown to 45 degree angles)

"IN THIS PLACE, AT THIS TIME, WORDS JUST ARE NOT EFFECTIVE. NOR ARE PICTURES. THEY'RE NOT WIDE ENOUGH, BIG ENOUGH, OR DEEP ENOUGH. WHEREVER YOU TURN, THERE IS DAMAGE. IF SOMETHING ISN'T BROKEN, IT'S PROBABLY BENT"

(SOT 1333)
"It could have been worse, but not much, I think…"

(TRACK)
GEORGE BATES LIVES ON A PEACEFUL STREET WHERE AT LEAST THE CARS OBEY SPEED LIMITS. (we see a speed limit sign bent almost to the ground)
HIS HOUSE…LIKE A HURRICANE HIT INSIDE, TOO… THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE LEAVE BEHIND WHEN THEY GRAB STUFF AND RUN.(clothes everywhere)

(SOT #2; 2718)
*CG HK2LINE George Bates
HURRICANE SURVIVOR
(cg=George Bates/Katrina Survivor]
"…Didn't care if anything matched. New clothes, old clothes…as long as we were sure they fit, they went in the bag…"

(TRACK)
LIKE THE REST OF THIS PARISH, GEORGE HAS HAD THREE DAYS TO CLEAN UP AND LEAVE AGAIN… BUT NOW THAT HE'S HERE…HE PLANS TO STAY, NO MATTER WHAT THE LAW SAYS.

(SOT 19:08)
"I don't have the choice. Or the financial resources. And I couldn't bear to see my children in a shelter."

(TRACK (kid plays video games)
THIS, THE SITE THAT CONVINCED HIM…NINE YEAR OLD JESSIE…BACK IN HIS HOME ROOM, FINALLY…WITH THE COMFORTS OF HOME. HE'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH, SAYS GEORGE, JUST WORRYING ABOUT THE FAMILY PETS.

(SOT 21:41)
[CG-Jessie Bates/Cub Scout]
"ARE THEY ALL RIGHT?"
Yes."
"ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?"
"Yeah….Yes."

(TRACK (George at the kitchen sink)
SO IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SIGNS OF RECOVERY IN JEFFERSON PARISH…THEY'RE EVERYWHERE, IN WORDS…IN ACTIONS. IN CLEANING UP FROM THE LAST SUPPER BEFORE KATRINA… AND PLANNING THE NEXT.

(SOT George)
“You do what you can do today. And then you do the same tomorrow, .and the day after until you’re done.”

---------------------------------------------
PREVIOUS DAY:

(TRACK (compression shot, cars on highway)

THEY MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN IN CARTS DRAWN BY OXEN.
THAT'S HOW SLOWLY TRAFFIC MOVED ALONG INTERSTATE 10, TODAY, AS THOSE WHO FLED HURRICANE KATRINA RETURNED TO JEFFERSON PARISH, OUTSIDE NEW ORLEANS.

(SOT Q and A with driver)
"Do you know what you'll find when you get there?"
"No. I don't."

(TRACK over pictures of damage)
THEY FOUND THE LARGEST PARISH IN LOUISIANA TO BE BLOWN, TWISTED, TATTERED…
HALF A MILLION PEOPLE, AND HALF A MILLION REASONS TO GO HOME.

(SOT)
"I'm going to my folks house in Meterie to pick up their medication…"

(TRACK)
HAMILTON MONTREAUL, A NASA CHEMIST WHO BUILDS ENGINES FOR THE SPACE SHUTTLE, HITCHED 120 MILES FROM MISSISSIPPI, JUST TO GET HIS PARENT'S PRESCRIPTIONS DRUGS FROM THE HOUSE THEY ABANDONED. ..ASSUMING THE HOUSE STILL EXISTED. IT DID.

(SOT)
"Oh this looks remarkably good."

(TRACK)
GOOD….EVEN THOUGH FOUR INCHES OF WATER FILLED THE HOUSE LAST WEEK. HE'LL HAVE TO YANK THE CARPETS, AND ALL THE DRYWALL.
BUT EVERYTHING'S STILL HERE…THE DAMAGE---50-THOUSAND DOLLARS WORTH… REPAIRABLE.

(SOT)
Hamilton Monteuil
Katrina Survivor
CG TIME= :55 - :59
“It's really taken my mother down. When she finds out, it'll bring her up. She'll make it."

(TRACK Hamilton pulls drugs from cabionet and goes outside)
ND WITH THAT, HAMILTON MONTREAUL, THE GOOD SON, FOUND HIS PARENTS DRUGS. A FEW MINUTES LATER, HE WENT OUTSIDE…AND CHECKED THEIR CAR FOR THE LONG TRIP BACK TO MISSISSIPPI
IT LEAKS…BUT IT RUNS. AND THAT'S ENOUGH.

(SOT)
"I'm lucky. My whole family is intact. We're the most fortunate people in the world."

[ September 12, 2005, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: upandown ]

[s'news]

Tide, you've got good comments here from upandown and John. I'll add that I would've wanted more about the diving experience and less of the dramatic-but-been-said-many-times-before bites.

What was the water like? Was it at all tainted, smelly or foul? How deep was it where they were looking? How much diving did they do? Were they led to specific places to look?

Shoot, from reading the script, the only reference to diving is the name of the team and the fact that they do drills. Now I'm wondering if they did any diving at all in Mississippi.

[s'news]

Upandown has posted a couple of nice scripts. But I'd like to be so daring as to pick at a couple of things.

In the first one, did the guy have any water damage in his home? It may be that the video made this clear, but with so many homes getting flooded, it seems like a key point. In both stories, did the places smell at all? There's no electricity or AC, right? Or is there? How's the kid playing a video game? (I know, I'm not seeing the video and it's probably a little handheld battery-operated toy.) There's also a mention of the "comforts of home." Is it really that comfortable?

I wanted more of a feeling of what it was like to be there. I wanted to hear more of what it was like to be there.

In the first piece, the standup isn't where I'd normally put one, but it works. As I mentioned before, I generally prefer packages where you write to video and then get to a soundbite or even bites butted together, with a standup coming later. But this story ends up focusing on the one family, so it serves as a bridge. It also shows us something — the bent poles. So even though it comes early in the package, it serves as a bridge to the story of the one family.

There's a line that bothers me.

(TRACK)
GEORGE BATES LIVES ON A PEACEFUL STREET WHERE AT LEAST THE CARS OBEY SPEED LIMITS. (we see a speed limit sign bent almost to the ground)

I pick nits, but, how do we know the cars obey speed limits on that street. I know, we're writing to the shot of the sign, but there's something overwritten there. Would that first part perhaps be better as "George Bates lives on what is usually a peaceful street"? And yet, you know, if it is so peaceful, why did it need a speed limit sign?

Story two ends with that car. Did it get flooded?

Yes folks, I know I'm pickin' at the guy who literally wrote the book. I also know that he probably did this work on the fly and that I'm sitting here with the benefit of time to think about what was written and without the benefit of video to go with it.

[ September 13, 2005, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: s'news ]

[RollTide98]

S'news, you're right... I have gotten good comments here... It's why I posted here to start with. I'm tempted to explain why some things were done the way they were, but excuses don't count. What you read was the final product.

Dare I post another?

Why not...

This is a story about a New Orleans kindergarten teacher displaced by the hurricane. He'd just found a job with one of our local school systems. In the live intro, I explained how his school in the 9th Ward is flooded, etc... Understand there's video to match most of the "m-words" in the piece. There are nats throughout, some of them not scripted.

DR. JOE DAVIDSON DISCOVERED A NEW HOME...
[NAT/SOT -- Davidson -- 00:01:51][Length:3]
<"The letter we're working on this morning is the letter "M.">
[NAT/SOT -- Davidson -- 00:03:10][Length:2]
<"Words that begin with "M.">
HOW ABOUT MISSION...
REACHING STUDENTS... IS HIS PASSION...
[SOT -- COVER -- Davidson -- 00:12:25][Length:6]
<"They have a happy spirit. They're kind and respectful and fun to work with.">
[NAT/SOT -- Davidson -- 00:07:14][Length:3]
<"Find another "M." Where's another "M?">
MAGIC...
DR. DAVIDSON SAYS A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP... OPENS THE DOOR TO A WORLD OF LEARNING...
[SOT -- Davidson -- 00:18:12][Length:6]
<"I think learning should be fun, and I like to have fun anyhow. I come to school to have fun and a good time.">
WHICH MEANS THESE STUDENTS HAVE NO IDEA... WHAT THEIR TEACHER'S BEEN THROUGH...
[SOT -- Davidson -- 00:22:46][Length:6]
<"They have enough in their lives with just coming to school. For five-year-olds, it's tough to get your start in school.">
A FEW DAYS INTO THE JOB...
HE'S "MANAGING" TO FIND HIS WAY...
[SOT -- Davidson -- 00:16:30][Length:7]
<"Everybody here has just overwhelmed me with their willingness to help and kinda straighten me out when I'm not sure which way to go or what time.">
AND DESPITE HIS LOSS... HE'S NOT "MAD"...
[SOT -- Davidson -- 00:24:31][Length:3]
<"There's so many people that are in a lot worse condition than I am.">
HE'S READY TO MAKE HIS "MARK"... HERE.
[SOT -- Davidson -- 00:21:25][Length:5]
<"I have a good future here, and I'm planning to stay unless you folks run me off -laughs.-">
A MAN...
A MODEL...
FOR MANY TO FOLLOW...
[NAT/SOT -- Davidson -- 00:07:23][Length:5]
<"Whoa! Good job! -applause-.">
IN CRUMLY CHAPEL... SIG-OUT

There was no live tag -- back to anchors.

[ September 13, 2005, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: RollTide98 ]

[upandown]

S-

I'm tougher on myself.
Usually more than one line in a piece bothers me.

I often ad-lib off the script.
For the sign I added 'posted' to speed limits,
and you'll have to trust me that with the vids, the line worked.

I could also argue that the top of that piece didn't belong, but the pictures were too good not to use as a scene setter. We never intended to make George Bates into a story. He became one because his son, alone, with the video game (you guessed right), convinced us.
It wasn't so much what the kid said as the dazed way he said it. That bite is the heart of the story.

And yes, we did the pieces in a hurry---thirteen of them from Friday>Wednesday, and nothing set up in advance. Find a person, tell a story, and move on.

My favorite was a woman we saw walking alone and barefoot down the blistering pavement of the New Orleans terminal. She had nothing left except the clothes she was wearing. We bookended her to tell a story of rescued people at the airport. At the end we transitioned from people boarding flights to 'anywhere else', WHILE OTHERS GO HOME TO THE SAFE AND WELCOMING ARMS OF MOTHER---That over a last compression shot of her wanders down the middle of an empty boulevard.

Again, I worried that the line was a bit much, but no one has complained. Again...tougher on myself than anyone else, including 'Tide.

[ September 13, 2005, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: upandown ]

[Mr G]

Tide,
too cute.

Originally posted by RollTide98:
WHICH MEANS THESE STUDENTS HAVE NO IDEA... WHAT THEIR TEACHER'S BEEN THROUGH...
[SOT -- Davidson -- 00:22:46][Length:6]
<"They have enough in their lives with just coming to school. For five-year-olds, it's tough to get your start in school.">
make your whole 1:30 about these 10 seconds and they'll remember this teacher, not your writing.

[ September 13, 2005, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: Mr G ]

[John M.]

Originally posted by RollTide98:

Understand there's video to match most of the "m-words" in the piece. There are nats throughout, some of them not scripted.
The "M-word" device can work as a bookend (beginning and end of the piece) but used throughout the story it entangles in cleverness that obscures its heart. As it stands, this is not a story as much as it's a list intercut with soundbites.

His students don't know what he's been through. Neither do we. Has this teacher moved to this school permanently? Is he ever going back home? Your story hints at it but viewers don't get to read between lines of a TV story. You have to come out and say what you mean.

If the teacher did lose his home you need to do more to explore the contrast between how he's acting and what he must be feeling. It's great that he wants learning to be fun for the students but I need to hear how he copes with the fact that in a matter of days he has had to uproot and relocate his entire life. Where does he live now? How much of his stuff survived?

Look again at how you structured the story. Most of it alternates between one sentence from you and a soundbite from the teacher. You and the teacher, back and forth, trade volleys in a way that will leave viewers feeling like they're watching a tennis match.

You don't want this kind of choppiness. Don't write me a bullet point memo. Tell me a story.

Some of the soundbites (<"They have enough in their lives with just coming to school. For five-year-olds, it's tough to get your start in school."> and <"There's so many people that are in a lot worse condition than I am.">) don't do anything more than fill holes between your "M" lines. The first one is irrelevant; the story is about the teacher. The second bite is a generic cliche.

Speaking of soundbites, I wanted to hear from other people. How is it that the school made room for him? Can the principal address that? How about other teachers? What do they think of the situation. Maybe they can express amazement of how spirited the new teacher is under the circumstances.